At the Helm with Grandpa...

“Well, how do you like it here, grandpa?”

“I don’t like it here.”

“I know, I know, but hey, mom tells me there’s a herb garden and library and a small movie theater that plays Eddie Albert film! Eddie Albert? C’mon, grandpa, he’s the best!”

“Do you know how to play canasta, Charlie?”

“No. Why?”

“Neither do I! But all these old shits in here play this goddamn game, and I don’t know how to play this goddamn game, and to be frank, Charlie, I don’t wanna know how to play the goddamn game! It’s all they talk about!”

“Well, for one, grandpa, they’re not ‘old shits.’ In fact, you’re quite the senior yourself!”

“The guy in blue over there – powder blue of all goddamn colors; I hate that color – he’s 96! I’m young; I’m getting along; I’m only 79!”

“Umm… you’re like 83, grandpa.”

“Charlie, I’m 79.”

“Umm, no, I’m pretty certain you’re 83.”

“Kay, wait a minute….”

“Am I right about this or?”

“I think you may be right, wise guy, but don’t think for one minute that I wont get off my ass just to beat yours!”

“I’ll take that as a threat, grandpa. Now, what about the food? That’s not bad from what I hear.”

“The food? The food’s not bad, no. I do like the food. But, I tell ya, things are falling apart.”

“Like in your room or in the facilities?”

“No, meathead, I mean like, me! I can’t get shit done.”

“What’da gotta do besides relax and tell people off when they ask you about canasta?”

“I don’t like to relax. I like to remain mobile, one, and involved, two.”

“Okay?”

“Look, I can’t even so much as brush my goddamn teeth anymore without something aching or hurting. It seems like just last week I was playing ball as a teenager and now look! 82!”

“Eighty-three.”

“Eighty-three. Ya ya.”

“Well, I think it’s just natures way of informing us that we’re aging, grandpa. Nothing we can do really except make the best of it, right?”

“I agree, with that. And I accept that too. Ah, I miss your grandma and your mom and your aunts and uncle when they were little. We had a boat back then. Did you ever hear about the boat?”

“No! I don’t think so!”

“It wasn’t a big boat, no one had money for that shit then, but it was a nice lil’ fiberglass boat with an outboard motor and a closed bow and a windshield… sorta looked like a sports car really. It was light blue – NOT POWDER BLUE – but light blue, and it had a pretty, white pinstripe down the side of her.”

“Did you guys all fish in it or?”

“Nope. Just trolled around the harbor and out a ways. Your grandma would pack sandwiches, made from leftovers mostly: roast beef, chicken, and so on. She’d have bottles of pop for the kids and maybe a beer for your old grandpa! Nothing beat sitting at the helm of that boat with a cold beer. Why, those goddamn kids could’a been killing each other at the stern, but I’d just putt along, drinking my beer, and whistling at it all.”

“That’s pretty damn amazing, grandpa. I never knew about that.”

“Well, we only had the thing for about two summers. The second summer your Aunt Claire though it was a good idea to push your Uncle Billy overboard after arguing about a bar of candy or something. Your grandma got brave and jumped in after’um. Meanwhile, I’m still putting along with my beer and by the time your mom or someone grabbed my by the shirt we were about football field away from the two of um. Your-your grandma damn near snatched me by the color when after I circled’round and got her and Claire back on board. She made me sell the goddamn thing about a month later.”

“That’s incredible! I never knew that!”

“Yup, but I still miss the damn thing.”

[Loudspeaker] “Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, Just a brief announcement of this evening’s schedule: The pre-finals for the quarterly canasta tournament will take place at 4:30 in the Bell-Fischer Hall; we’ll have raviolis or stir-fry in the dinning facility at 5:30; and, tonight’s movie will be 1951’s ‘You’re in the Navy Now’ with Gary Cooper, Jane Greer, and Eddie Albert. Have a great day, folks!”

“Well, as I’m sure you’ll skip the canasta tournament, grandpa, what’da think about ‘You’re in the Navy Now’? Eh? C’mon, grandpa, boats? Eddie Albert?”

“Charlie, you’re good to your old grandpa, you’re a real meat-head, but you’re good to me!”

“Well, thanks. That’s ‘cause I love ya – you’re my grandpa!”

“And I love you, Charlie.”

“I got another hour or so before they kick us out of here. What’da say we get a good game of cribbage going?”

“Cribbage! Now you’re talking my kinda goddamn language!”